Seven Ways to Save Money By Raising Teenagers

Turn the Liabilities into Net Profits!

Many people claim that it costs a lot of money to raise children; especially teenagers. Some even claim their teens have driven them to the dual plagues of bankruptcy and insanity. But I believe that with a little creative problem solving and a pinch of magic (found in mushroom patches) we can all find ways to actually turn a profit by raising teenagers.

Junk food is so tempting to eat but also so bad for you — increasing your waistline, your blood pressure, and the cost of your prescriptions. Teenagers are a natural prevention for junk food related health costs in adults as they will eat all cookies, candies, and chips before they ever reach your cupboard. Allow their faster metabolisms to take on the caloric load for you.

You don’t know how to download those torrent thingies. But your kids do! Let them find all your favourite television shows for you. I got mine to, and now I have entire seasons of my favourite shows and a bonus film called “Hot Pokemon Pussies!” Nature documentaries are so exciting, nowadays.

Don’t want to look too over-the-hill to be hired but also don’t have time to scour the fashion magazines? Your teenager is an expert on how not to dress like the old person that you are. Get them to pick out your interview clothes and you’ll soon be making money as a commentator or media influencer or something like that.

Teens are great at reducing the number of roadworthy vehicles in your possession. You’ll quickly find that you can get by with just one vehicle after all; saving on insurance and administrative fees. Just make sure you have full insurance coverage before you let them drive.

Go to a therapist, and you will likely learn you were wrong about everything. You don’t know about how the way things really work and you have been conditioned by the institutions of society. You will also pay a hefty fee to learn all this. Why pay a professional when your teen will tell you this for free? Wait for them to enter first year university and you can even get bonus lessons on how your entire generation f*%ked up!

You’ll never sleep through another burglary! All those sleepless nights waiting for them to come home, being woken by video games and wondering when they will ever leave will pay off the next time a burglar tries to sneak into your home at night. They’ll see your wide awake face and that club of a wine bottle in your hands and turn the other way!

Many people are ill-prepared for life on a reduced income after retirement. By learning to live on the money you have after giving your teens everything they ask for, you will become so frugal you will feel like a millionaire with the money you have during retirement. Some people would call this spoiling your teens but I call it financial training!Just make sure to give them to the world (aka kicking them out) before you retire.

As you can see, changing from a costly model of raising teens to a cost saving one is simply a matter of changing your perspective. And also possibly your average blood alcohol levels. Okay if I pay for this last beer in nickels?

I’m a business trainer specializing in workplace wellness and environmental sustainability. In my spare time I dabble as a mad scientist and street philosopher.

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